heres to the best time of my life .

-- im just gonna freewrite what's on my mind, be prepared for alot of ramble and contradiction. and grammar and spelling errors.


Well i've been in a state of reflection alot these last 3 weeks. And one thing i've been contemplating about is when I felt most at peace, most relaxed, and when everything seemed to be going right. And the first time of my life that comes to mind, is the the summer of 2007. I was only 15 at the time, but i was WAY, way, WAY more naive, dumb, and innocent than the average 15 year old. One of the first things that comes to mind is how that summer is how everything seemed so easy and so simple . There was no drama and feelings of tension whatsoever between anyone. No awkward relationships between people. My basketball team was doing work !!! I mean, we had the best chemistry , did everything together , bagged girls together, got drunk together .. damn. I was a bum ass back then..never had money, never had clothes, never had haircuts. My girl situation was lookin good at the time too , even though ironically back then I had no idea to talk to girls lol. Everytime soemthing came up id always ask kevin , pete, and jeremy , what i should say or do HAHA. Had some girls that i shoulda wifed up or piped , but that didnt work out, well i see at least one thing is the same now as it was back than! haha.. JK but on the real... .. back then I felt like i was the caring , selfless person ever. And now i look at myself in 2009 as a total parallel person to who i used to be. I mean now all i care about is " getting mine " ; and all i know is the grind. My attitude has turned to selfish & ive watched my ego grow. I mean now i feel like ive lost alot of bonds with people i used to think id be close to forever. Even with my team , i feel like the brotherhood, the chemistry, everything .. it just isn't the same. I mean .. nothing is the same. change is inevitable. In all of 2009, i've felt like all i ever do is try to do work... I find happiness in these temporary void fillers. Basketball , weed , songs i never finish, girls i talk to once and never answer back again. Expensive clothes, expensive shoes.. i mean there has to be more life that party and bullshit right ? there has to be more than proving to everyone how good of a rapper and basketball player you are and earning the respect you feel you deserve.. there has to be more than breaking more necks than the guy next to you. Sadly, thats all i know. Friends and family is really all i have , but your friends and family can never achieve success for you. It's funny , all of my friends are intelligent , focused and all of my family is living good with multiple cars and gigantic houses .. But they cant achieve success for me , they cant find what happiness is for me. Im just so stressed with everything goin, i need an epic change .. but back to the topic of this blog. Summer of 07, happiness i miss you so much. I wish things can be the way the used to be ... But it cant, cause change is inevitable .. and i'll be the first to admit that because, i feel like i've changed the most outta everything .. and it seems like im the person coping the worst with all the changes that have occured since that summer of 2007..

..home studio ?!?

well i've been contemplating on weather i should invest in a MINI home studio, so i can make a few tracks at my crib.. still un sure.

..INCONSISTENCY!.

Damn ..ive been playin' so inconsistent recently at basketball. My first game vs another staten island team i had 3 points in the first half ; and 17 in the second half [ WON . My second game vs Jersey [ LOST BY 5], i barely played because my defense is still shaky...dropped 3, and missed a 3 i shoulve hit, which would of been a big momentum booster. My third game vs Queens, i dropped 13 and didnt miss in the first half. But in the second half i didn't do shit ... had mad turnovers, and almost lost the game for my team [ allowed them to cut the lead down to 2 with 10 seconds left, and missed the foul shot to tie ice the game ]. We're 2-1 ... but i know my performance can be much better.... i think i just need to stop thinking AND second guessing myself on the court lol . season stats so far...12. PPG , 9 3's made. 1-7 from the FT line..SMH !

WIFEY<3

.. i meaan even with the half ceasar i still think cassie can get it. =D

"But if you're ill we can chill/smoke the fat Phil'/A little somethin just to make shit real...

Many people always talk about the negative effects that marijuana has.. And anybody who knows me , knows that I'm not a full 100 % burnout , lame with no life... But on the real ... as bad as it may sound to admit this .. but at times i feel as if life is so much better when you we're high . True the stress relief is only temporary.. but as an artist, i feel like I'm able to produce my best work in that state of mind. Many of you are probably thinking like " wow if you we're as nice as people hyped you up to be, you wouldn't need a substance for you to produce a high quality end result ". That also is true, but name me your ten favorite musicians ; especially if your a Hip-Hop fan ... i bet HALF of those artist are influenced as well.. Another thing i realized is, at that state of mind i feel i have the best revelations and reflections of my life .. Collections of thoughts that i go back to and remember when I'm sober that actually impact my life in a positive way. But yeah , whatever if your view of me has changed after reading this.. i could care less. I know as an athlete and asthmatic this isn't the best of choices i could make but it's w/e . & if you feel the same i do , look at the title of this blog and hit me up! hahaha.

...ALONE.

Ill be the first person to admit that i love where my life is at and that I wouldn't change any aspect of it. Like everyone else , my life has it's ups and down .. but I'm not the most spiritual or religious practicing person out there.. but i know God doesn't throw anything at me that I cant handle. But throughout the days, especially during the late hours of the night while i lay in bed and listen to music; I just feel so alone. Now don't get me wrong , I'm not emo or anything, and this blog isn't towards anything "alone" as female related.. It's just a state of loneliness that i can't seem to explain to anyone... Reflecting on my life , Im thankful to have the best supporting cast of family and friends, thankful to be able to turn basketball whenever Im in need of relief or therapy, thankful i was blessed to be able to express my feelings in words, through music and lyrics. I know it may be selfish of me to want more , and it may not make sense how though it seems like i have alot , alot just isnt completing me and cuttin it for me right now.. I just feel like nobody else can relate to this weird feeling of loneliness that i have ...

Inspiration..

Alot of you may or may not know , that I was blessed with the ability to write poetry and rap. It's funny how I used to only be able to describe myself as a "rapper", but now I feel as if I've grown, matured, transitioned, or whatever you wanna call it to an "artist." The transition is hard to explain, but anybody who has recently witnessed me do my thing, weather it be me writing to a beat or freestyle aimlessly will be able to tell you the difference and change in my flow or for a lack of a better word.. " swag " . I've been on a hiatus for WAY too long now ; and quite frankly I dont see myself working a regular suit and tie 9-5 ..And im happy to say that once again music is my therapy , and that i LOVE doing what i do . So haters I hope you feel the same way about your occupation...

& if you havent seen this video , i suggest you watch it ASAP & hopefully it inspires you to do what you love & love what you do as it did for me..

Allow me to reintroduce myself..

Wow .. cant believe I'm on, approximately my 3rd different blogspot account. Hopefully this time around I can actually do it , and not forget my password... lol.